Fantasies – Normal or Not? What Research Says and How to Bring It Up

Almost everyone has sexual fantasies – thoughts, images or scenarios that spark sexual interest or arousal. Yet few people talk about them out loud, even with their closest partner. Fantasies are often accompanied by shame, doubts about one's own normalcy, or fear of how a partner might react.

In this article, we look at what research actually says about sexual fantasies – and how you can open up the topic with your partner safely.

What Does Research Say About Fantasies?

A large Canadian study published in 2016 (Joyal et al.) examined the sexual fantasies of over 1,500 adults. The results were revealing:

Almost everyone fantasises. Over 96% of respondents reported having sexual fantasies. Fantasies are an almost universal human experience, not the exception.

The most common fantasies aren't "weird." The most frequent included romantic sex with a partner, oral sex, sex in a new or exotic location, and sex with two men or two women (depending on the fantasiser's gender and orientation).

Many people's fantasies involve things they wouldn't actually want to act out. A fantasy is a safe mental image – it doesn't mean wanting to act on it. For example, dominance and submission fantasies are extremely common, but most people who have them don't want to put them into practice.

Which Fantasies Are Normal?

The short answer: almost all of them, as long as they don't involve children or non-consenting parties.

Common and entirely normal fantasy types include:

• Exotic settings – sex somewhere other than home (beach, hotel, nature)
• Roleplay – teacher–student, stranger–familiar, boss–employee
• Dominance and submission (BDSM) – extremely common, especially in consent-based scenarios
• Voyeurism and exhibitionism – being watched or watching
• Threesomes or more – a very common fantasy, rarely acted upon
• Sex with a stranger – the appeal of excitement and mystery
• Exploring gender roles – for example, taking a more sexually active or passive role than usual

How common a fantasy is doesn't make it "more right" or "more wrong" – what matters is that it doesn't cause distress or harm anyone.

When Could a Fantasy Be a Problem?

Fantasies only become problematic in rare situations:

• If the fantasy causes intense distress or shame that reduces quality of life
• If the fantasy involves sexuality directed at children
• If compulsively returning to the fantasy interferes with everyday functioning

In all other cases, fantasies are a completely normal part of sexuality.

Should You Tell Your Partner About Your Fantasies?

Not necessarily. Fantasies are a private part of the mind, and you don't have to share them with anyone. Fantasising is not cheating or being unfaithful.

When sharing might be a good idea:

• If it's something you'd like to act out and your partner might be open to it
• If the fantasy has started to significantly affect your sex life – for example, you can't get aroused without a particular mental image
• If you want to increase openness and closeness in your relationship around sexuality

How to Bring Up a Fantasy

If you decide to share your fantasy, here are a few practical tips:

Frame it lightly. "I've been thinking it might be interesting to try X – I'm not asking for anything, just curious what you think." This approach doesn't corner your partner.

Don't expect a specific reaction. Your partner might respond with curiosity, excitement, uncertainty, or a simple "no thanks." All of these are valid reactions.

Accept "no." If your partner isn't interested, the fantasy can still live on as a private mental image. It isn't right to pressure your partner.

Ask about your partner's fantasies too. Reciprocity makes the situation equal, and often your partner has something on their mind they haven't dared to say either.

"Acting Out" Fantasies – What's Worth Considering?

If you both want to try something based on a fantasy, a few things matter:

• Consent, always. Everything happens with both people's full willingness.
• Discuss it beforehand. What will happen, what won't, and how to stop if something feels wrong.
• Start small. Roleplay can begin in a small way – you don't have to act out the full scenario right away.
• Debrief afterwards. How did it feel? Would you like to do it again, or change something?

Fantasies are part of being human – not something to be ashamed of, but an interesting part of your inner world. Talking about them with your partner can open up new dimensions in your shared sex life – or they can stay exactly where they are: private, personal sources of pleasure.

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